


Dead Leaves

by Muffingirl



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: A lot of them - Freeform, Angst, Arranged Marriage, Child Labour, F/M, Happy Ending, Historical, I Don't Even Know, I'm pretty sure you'll all be confused by that tag, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, OC is not, One Shot, Original Character(s), Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Pining, Please Don't Hate Me, Sehun - Freeform, Slice of Life, Sort Of, Suffering, This Is STUPID, Time Skips, because at the time it was normal, sehun is cute though, suho is rich
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-23 02:27:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17071733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Muffingirl/pseuds/Muffingirl
Summary: Seohee was born in a poor family. She started working for the Kim family when she was only 9 years old to earn the money her family needed to buy all the medicines her mom needed, and fell in love when she was 14. Ten years later, she realizes it's never too late for a change.I'm sorry, I suck at writing summaries, but hopefully the story won't be that bad >.< I posted it on AFF too.





	Dead Leaves

Seohee was standing right beside the door, waiting patiently for the dishes to be empty and ready to be brought in the kitchen. She had been standing there for a while now, but the men were talking about their respective business and the next trades their common association was planning on doing on the near future instead of eating, so she had nothing else to do but wait. Albeit her feet hurt from standing still for too long, she knew better than to show it in front of everyone. She’d learnt it the hard way when she was younger. Maids were paid to keep company, clean and serve, not to complain about their job.

 

Actually, the family Seohee served was very kind with her and they never punished her harshly, the way it happened to other girls she knew, but they really cared about keeping their appearance in front of these specific people. Moreover, they were giving her a full week of leave as a present for her marriage, so she felt like she owed them at least to make good service during this lunch. For the first time in years she was going to skip a full week of work, thus Seohee really didn't think she had the right to complain at the moment.

 

The chatters were happy, and every now and then a bright laugh echoed in the room.

 

Seohee couldn’t keep her eyes from focusing on Junmyeon again and again.

 

What if she had been the one to marry him? Would she feel comfortable sitting with those rich women and chattering away about the most recent and hottest gossip in town? What kind of dressed would she have worn for this kind of occasion? Would Junmyeon have showed her off in front of everyone's eyes?

 

He was wearing the white silk shirt that always made his skin look nicer, and the burgundy suit he was wearing looked perfect on him, as it emphasised the muscles on his arms and thighs. He looked so handsome, Seohee could feel her mouth shamefully drying at sight. Unfortunately, as Seohee was staring at him, she caught the sweet smile his wife sent to him and the way he smiled back at her. The pang in her heart she felt at the sight brought back to reality: he was above her and married. She was about to get married in a couple of day, too, so there was no reason for her to pine for him anymore. No reason for her to be jealous. She had always known Junmyeon was going to marry some important girl, daughter of some rich man friend of his father. She really always kept that in mind, but keeping her mind from fantasising about the “what ifs” was hard nonetheless.

 

If Junmyeon had married her instead, would she have gotten pregnant as fast as his wife had? Would she have looked as pretty? Because his wife was surely glowing right now. It could’ve also been her usual self, but Seohee couldn’t free herself from the poisonous idea that it was due to her pregnancy and happiness. Who wouldn’t be happy if they were to be in her shoes? She had married a very rich man less than a year ago, a handsome one at that, who was also very nice and put her first without being afraid of showing it, she was rich and even pregnant. Junmyeon had always had this sort of prince-like aura around him, and a gentleness that made spending time with him a real pleasure.

 

Seohee was brought back from her reverie when the other maid, her friend Aerin, nudged her in the ribs with her elbow.

 

“Are you deaf? I’ve been asking you to take away this plate away for the last five minutes!”, a woman shrieked from the other side of the room, pointing angrily at the plate full of untouched food. Seohee wanted to scoff, for she knew perfectly well that the banshee probably had only asked twice, but since she needed her job and yelling at maids was perfectly normal for these people, she bowed her heard as an apology and hastily walked in her direction. She grabbed the plate she had to bring back to the kitchen and made her way to the door. On the way there Seohee caught Junmyeon’s pitiful gaze and suddenly all she wanted to do was grab the dish and smash it in front of that old woman for embarrassing her in front of him. She wanted to disappear from the room and never come back. It was already hard enough to know there was a great difference between their social statuses and that he was married to another woman, but it was ever harder when things like this happened and Junmyeon was there to see them.

 

She loved Junmyeon too much, and it had been that way for a very long time. Seohee had always known there would be no space for her in Junmyeon’s life, especially after his marriage, thus she’d eventually given in to meet ad marry the man who worked at the local library with her father. Her father had spent quite a while insisting Seohee should give him a chance before rejecting him, but she had never agreed, until one day he snapped and told her she either did it on her own or he'd have to take the situation in his hands. That was quite a depressive moment in Seohee’s life, but after a long cry she’d found it in her to ask her father to give her just a little time before marrying Sehun. In spite of his sour mood, Seohee’s father had agreed and apologized to her daughter about the previous night, but still he had held his position: he wanted her to stop pining after someone she could never have and finally see her married to a good man. Sehun was by all means a good man: he was nice, he cared about expanding his knowledge, he loved his job, he was respectful of Seohee’s father, he respected her and never forced her to follow his lead, he was sincere and many other things that in Seohee's mind defined him as a good man. That was one of the many reasons why Seohee couldn’t hate Sehun even though she was about to be forced to marry him. Actually, in the last six months, Seohee had grown to be quite fond of the latter, and it didn't feel like she was being completely forced anymore. Sure, she didn’t love him, but she cared dearly about him, because he always kept her and her opinion in consideration, which wasn’t something many women could expect from their husbands. He was more like a friend or a brother to Seohee, but she had eventually accepted her father’s will, recognizing there would be no future for someone like her if not with him.

 

In fact, Seohee had never been a normal maid, for she knew how to write and read, which was uncommon, especially for a woman. Her father had taught how to do it ever since she was just a child, hence she would’ve never been comfortable with a common man who had no knowledge whatsoever, but at the same time she would’ve never been enough for a noble man because of her humble origins. At that point, Sehun could as well be the only chance for her to live a normal and satisfying life. Perhaps Seohee won’t ever love him nor would she find someone to love for the rest of her life, but at least she could have someone she appreciated and cared about next to her, instead of some ignorant and rude man or being alone for the rest of her life, waiting for something that wasn't going to ever happen. Her father had told her many times that Sehun was deeply interested in her, yet Seohee always pretended not to notice the man’s attentions, presents and the way he stared at her when he thought she wasn't watching. Back in the days, Junmyeon had even been annoyed by him and it had made Seohee feel so special, but then he followed his father’s orders and married someone else, leaving Seohee with no valid excuse to keep herself from accepting Sehun’s attentions.

 

In the kitchen, the old Mejin was giving the last touches to the desert. She didn’t even look at Seohee as she pointed at the pile of dirty dishes and next to the one of clean dishes. Mejin was known to be a lovely old lady who acted like a second mother to all of them, but she could be quite venomous if someone bothered her while she was focusing on a dish. Probably the pressure of impressing the guests had gotten to her too, because the cake she was decorating was amazing. Aerin came in soon after, bring and enormous pile of dirty plates and huffing at the effort it took to hold them.

 

“Ya! You could have taken more plates with you! Do you think my arms are made of steel?”, the other maid whined. Seohee was so used to her friends behaviour that she paid her no attention, grabbing the silver tray next to the baking pan filled with warm meat. It smelled amazing, but unfortunately she was going to eat none of it. Seohee and Aerin worked together to be faster: one filled the clean dishes using a wooden ladle, and the other settle them securely on the tray. When the first tray of meat was ready, they filled the second one, and then left the kitchen right away, to bring the meat to the dining room while it was still nice and warm.

 

Seohee made sure to avoid Junmyeon's eyes as she served the guests, leaving his side of the table to Aerin, then she went back to the kitchen again with the empty tray and the a flagon of wine that needed to be filled. Unfortunately for her, it was a quick job, and in spite of having walked as slow as she could, Seohee was back into that hell of a room in less than five minutes.

 

The lunch proceeded slowly. It seemed like they had a lot of time to waste, as they were talking and laughing way more than they were eating. Once the food got cold, they had to throw it away and bring a warm one from the kitchen. It eventually got even worse as the time passed extremely slowly and she had to look at Junmyeon being happy with his bright and pregnant wife. From time to time his eyes settled on Seohee's figure and he looked at her with eyes full of sorrow, which made staying impassible in front the scene even harder. It made her feel like it was right for her to upset, although Seohee knew perfectly well that it was not right at all. He hadn't betrayed her. He'd just done what he was born to do.

 

Listening to these rich people was so boring Seohee couldn't keep herself from spacing out. Her mind went back to 12 years ago, when she'd just started working for the Kim household. Junmyeon was a shy kid, barely older than her, who always tried to be mature in spite of his young age. Junmyeon's little sisters were quite active, so Junmyeon often helped the maids to keep an eye on them whenever he wasn't busy. Unfortunately for him, he seldom had any free time to spare for them as he grew older and busier with learning how to manage an enterprise, while also helping his father with expanding he family business. Junmyeon was very talented in this sector, and he brought a great help to his father. His intelligence helped him with understanding the flow of money around his city very easily, and his humble and gentle personality allowed him to make friends wherever he went, and every new friend was a new possible partner in their business.

 

At first, Junmyeon was quite cold towards Seohee, but it didn't come as a surprise for her: he was rich and she was just a servant of his household, and a very inexperienced and replaceable one at that. He'd be polite but no more than that. However, everything changed the afternoon she found him crying in the storage room. His grandfather had died only a couple of hours earlier and Junmyeon had been really strong in front of his parents. He had wanted to be his father's rock on a day like that, showing him that he could always count on his son, but he also loved his grandfather dearly, and his sudden death had shaken him up.

 

Seohee hadn't said a single word when he raised his teary eyes at her. It was such an unusual sight she was at a loss of words, not to mention that they weren't close enough for her to give him an encouraging speech or a tight hug to comfort him. The young boy himself looked completely frozen after having been found in such a vulnerable situation. In the end, Seohee decided to take the matter in her hands, and patted him once on the arm, scared she might regret having ignored the difference between their social statuses and even having reached the point of touching him in such a friendly way, before she left the room, closing lightly the door behind her back. For the rest of the afternoon she told anyone who asked, that she hadn't seen Junmyeon at all.

 

After that day Junmyeon got more open with her, whether it'd be for a little chat, or even just wishing her a nice day, it still felt nice to know Junmyeon cared about her more than he did previously. Thinking about it now, Seohee recognized that was when she first started falling for him. She wouldn't ever have been able to resist his charm, even though Junmyeon wasn't even trying to charm her.

 

As time passed by though, Junmyeon started trusting her more and made her his personal maid. Seohee was overjoyed at the news! Finally she thought she had the chance to get closer to him, to make him notice her. Unfortunately, a young girl's dream can easily be destroyed. A thirteen years-old Seohee soon discovered Junmyeon still little time to spare her, and little time to chat. It took her a couple of months to realize Junmyeon had given her that role only because he trusted her, and not because he had any interest in her or because he wanted her to be around him more. She had been quite hurt by her discovery, but she'd reasoned it was fine even like that. The role gave her a couple of free hours more, the chance to meet Junmyeon often and alone, as well as it made her earn more money, which meant more time to spend with her mother and money to buy her medicines. In the end, she might not have caught his attention yet, but she was still in a better position than she was before. At least she knew he trusted her.

 

Just about that time, a rumour spread along the servitude: Junmyeon was seeing a girl, the daughter of a rich man, a friend of Mr. Kim. The news had broken Seohee's heart. That was the very first time she really realized there was a big difference between Junmyeon and her. After having heard the news, she spent quite some time crying on her own, thinking about the unfairness of life, before getting back on her feet and picking up her chores from where she'd left them. Unfortunately she had no choice but to go back to work since her family really needed money, but she trying to save at least a little of her dignity by giving him less attention. Seohee would never forget the concerned glance Junmyeon gave her when she entered in his room and greeted him in a formal way, without adding anything else. He beat around the bush for a while before he finally asked her what was wrong. Seohee had been completely unprepared for that kind of situation, having assumed she'd hidden her swollen eyes well, let alone the fact that Junmyeon was never in his room lately, thus she had been pretty sure they wouldn't have met that day. When he insisted and asked her if it was because she was worried for her mother, Seohee took her chance and told him she was just a little tired because she hadn't slept well since she was taking care of her mother in the night. Junmyeon gave her reassuring words and also the told her to go home and rest in the afternoon. Albeit not really convinced, Seohee accepted and left, somehow feeling a little better because that small gesture made it seem like he really cared about her.

 

That afternoon Seohee cried her eyes out silently to keep her mother from worrying, and the next day she was ready to go back to work. It didn't matter that her eyes were swollen and red, she had to get out of that house and away from the sound of her mother's loud coughing. It didn't took long for the other maid to start joking about her having a crush on the master's son, but Seohee tried not to take it personal, since she knew they probably were also jealous of her position, but also because they were right: she was just a little girl dreaming for someone way out of her league. Girls around her age were looking for an husband, and in a matter of a year or two they'd be married of and having children too, while Seohee was just there, pining after someone she could never have.

 

It took Seohee a couple of weeks to get her emotions under control again, and during that time she kept her distance from Junmyeon, willing herself not to miss him and forget about her feelings. The already scarce number of times they met was reduced from two or three times a day to once or twice a week, as Seohee always made sure to enter his room only after he'd left and leave before he got home. She caught Junmyeon sending her worried looks a couple of times while she was serving him his lunch, but she always pretended she hadn't noticed, and he didn't dare to bring up such a matter in front of his family. Albeit Seohee knew perfectly well she had no reason be angry at Junmyeon, she couldn't bring herself to act normally around him. Mostly it was because she was disappointed because she had seem all her fantasies shattered in a moment, yet she couldn't deny it was also because of her jealousy. She'd been infatuated with him for a while now, working for him and seeing him almost everyday for years, and the maximum recognition she'd obtained from him was that she'd become him personal maid. That rich girl had come out of nowhere and she had already captured his attention. Sometimes Junmyeon even received letters from her, and he sent her small gifts, like jewellery, books and at times even rich fabrics so that she could have her clothes tailor with them. The sight of those gorgeous presents helped Seohee to realize there would never be a chance for her to capture his heart, and as much as she pined after him, it was better if she kept her feelings for herself. Sure, Junmyeon was really nice and it often seemed like he cared about her, but he was in a completely different league from hers, and albeit she could've sent him letters like that rich girl did, she would never be on the receiving end of those gifts. What could she even have do with those silk fabrics?What about the jewels? What would people have to say about her if she were the one receiving those presents?

 

As much as she didn't like the truth, it was there right in front of her eyes, and it was no use denying it. A little girl can dream, but at some point she has to wake up and realize that her dreams were just that: dreams. At that better be before it's too late.

 

It went on like that for a while: Junmyeon received letters from her, and he sent gifts back. It was getting easier for Seohee to handle the situation since she'd gotten used to it in the emd. Unfortunately, one day Junmyeon corned her, as he wanted to know what was going on and why she was avoiding him. Seohee tried to keep her explanation vague, but Junmyeon kept insisting. When he told her he was starting to feel offended by the way she was acting with him, as if he'd disrespected in some way, Seohee spit out a half truth: she was avoiding him to stop the rumours about her. Thinking about it now, Seohee could almost hear his surprised voice and see his dismayed face, no matter how many years had passed. With her eyes glued on his face as he chuckled lightly at something his father's friend had said, Seohee heard what he had told her that day in her head:

 

“So you have been avoiding me just for that? You are not mad at me?”, he looked hopeful in Seohee's mind, however she couldn't recall if it was the way his face really looked, or just something she'd modified in her mind to pleasure her ego.

 

“No, why would I be?”, she faked a chuckle, “I just don't want people to have the wrong impression about me. You're a man, so they wouldn't be that mean, but with me it's a completely different story, and I don't want it to be spread in the village too”.

 

“Oh...I guess I don't have to be worried, then. I don't think you should worry either, Seohee. Rumours come and go, one day it's about you, the next is about someone else. Don't feel too bothered by them!”. His smile was so sweet, Seohee's hear seemed to swell inside her chest. “If you're not upset with me, then, can I ask you which one of these do you think it's better?”. Seohee could still remember how speechless she felt at the moment. She barely had the mind to point at one necklace before making a pathetic excuse to leave the room.

 

Somehow, Junmyeon had really believed her, and he'd asked all the maids to stop with the jokes about the two of you. It made it easier for you in many way, but it left Seohee between a rock and a hard place, for now she had no real reasons to avoid him and some of the old maids were irked by the fact that she had complained with the master about them, making them look bad. From time to time he would ask her opinion about the presents he wanted to send, and slowly Seohee had resigned herself to her destiny. She hadn't lost her feelings for him, but she also knew that, that was how things were going to be. There was no chance for her.

 

It was almost her sixteenth birthday, and Seohee was growing more and more worried her mother wouldn't have made it until then. Her already frail lungs seemed to be getting weaker and weaker as the days passed and whatever movement made her cough loudly. Going to work was starting to weight her down for the fear of not being there to assist her mother in last moments of her life. No matter how much money she and her father brought home to buy her medicines, it never seemed to be enough to buy her the medicine she needed to heal, and no matter how many medicines they tried, nothing was working anymore. Even sleeping was getting hard, for the fear of her mother dying while she was asleep.

 

Seohee was doing her best, still she couldn't help being tired and feeling irritable. Anything could make her snap. Everything was too much for her tired body. Everyone in the villa had started wondering why she was that tired, but since Seohee didn't want to be pitied by anyone, she just told everyone that she was having troubles with sleeping. A little insomnia could justify her behaviour, right? All Seohee really wanted was for everyone to leave her alone. Some days were even worse than others, her mood was foul and nothing seemed to amuse her.

 

That became her usual mood after her mother started coughing blood, and not even the expensive cures prescribed from the best doctor they could effort seemed to be the solution to her problem. It was all so unfair in Seohee's opinion. There were people like Junmyeon, his parents, his sisters and the girl he liked, that could get everything they wanted without having to sacrifice anything as their life was easy, and then there were the people of her kin, to whom nothing seemed to be ever going their way. It's true, even Junmyeon and his father had to work, but it was a way easier job than many others and they also gained way more than she did working twice the time. She wanted to slap all these rich people who kept complaining about how tired they felt and difficult their lives were, when they had never really experienced a hard day or real tiredness. When the hardest decision they had to take was chosing which kind of fabric they wanted their new cloak to be. No party would've lifted the weigh on their shoulders if they really felt as tired as felt. No present would have lifted their mood if they felt as anxious as she felt. How sweet must it be to find it hard and tiring to chose between a silk scarf and a woollen one. How painful must it be to have to pick only one pair of golden earrings to wear for the ball. How tiring must have been for them to chose with friend to meet for lunch for everyday of their lives.

 

Ah, they sure lived a hard life.

 

Seohee had really taken in consideration the idea of giving up on her job and finding something closer to her home, with shorter working hours to help her mother more now that she really needed her daughter, however no one else was willing to pay as much as the Kim family, and Seohee really needed that money, thus she kept working for them.

 

Somehow avoiding people was working for Seohee. For two or three weeks nobody found it too weird or felt the need the ask her anything about her behaviour, but then Junmyeon caught up on the situation and cornered once again, and this time, it wasn't the right way to solve the problem. Seohee couldn't even remember exactly his words, as many years had passed, but it was something about how she had been avoiding him again, and it irked her so much. Who did he think he was to believe her whole world turned around him? After that Seohee had just snapped at him. She remembered how afraid she'd been later on of the consequences of her reckless actions against someone as rich as Junmyeon if the rumour got out of the house, but nothing happened aside from Junmyeon giving her the cold shoulder. Seohee guessed no one had heard and Junmyeon had kept his mouth locked. At least she wouldn't have been publically humiliated as a punishment.

 

It happened on a cold winter day. Seohee was almost done with work for the day, and she was already deciding in her mind what to make for dinner, when an older maid came to call her, breathing heavily as if she'd been running, just to tell her to run home, or she wouldn't have made it in time to see her mother's last breath. Seohee to that day had no idea of how she got home that day. She just remembered how fast she'd been running, slipping here and there because of the frozen streets, until her lungs burnt and it seemed like no matter how much air she breathed in, it wasn't enough. When she was finally able to see her house, her legs were shaking and she was completely wet in her own sweat.

 

There are no words to describe the pain she felt in those moments. For the first time in her life, Seohee saw her father's eye red and swollen with tears. He hadn't been an amazing father, too in love with job to have time to spare for his daughter, but he had been a good husband, who loved his wife dearly. Not always a present one, but a loving one.

 

Seohee felt empty. She spent the last twenty minutes of her mother's life holding her hand tightly, hoping there would be more minutes to spend together. Hoping for a miracle. Hoping just for one minute more. Hoping for her last breath to come soon, so that she wouldn't be in pain anymore. Hoping for something. Just hoping, to avoid falling into the ravine of her pain. The pain that was threatening to swallow her whole.

 

Seohee and her mother held each other's hand tightly as she her eyes started be more and more unfocused, but still stuck on her daughter'd face, as if she was trying to stare at her long enough to remembers what she looked like wherever she was going to go. Until Seohee was the only one holding tightly. Then Seohee stood up and closed her mother's lids for the last time.

 

She washed her mother, grabber her best clothes and dressed her up for the funeral. It all seemed so far from her, as if nothing could touch her, as if there was no one but her in the whole worls. No matter that she could see her father curled around himself, bawling his eyes out from the pain. Nothing mattered anymore. And Seohee felt so alone.

 

The following days passed really fast, but nothing seemed to be important enough to be remembered, aside from the last time Seohee captured her mother's face before she put inside her coffin. Her lips were curved upwards, making her look like she was smiling. Making her look at peace. A sweet smile Seohee brought with her for the rest of her life. In between all of the condolences and letters her family had received, she remembered reading one written with a very elegant calligraphy and written in a very expensive kind of paper, sent by the Kim family. Inside the letter there was a lot of money, meant to be used for her mother's funeral and the amount left from it was to be used for Seohee and her father, in case they needed anything or they just didn't feel like working for a while.

 

Gestures like this showed Seohee that the Kim family cared about her, and albeit at times she wanted to be mad at them for being so rich and having such an easy life, she couldn't. Maybe it was true that they didn't know what it meant to work hard and suffer, but not everyone need to experience such difficult moments in life. Some are just meant to live an easy life encountering little pain and adversities, some others are meant to live an harsh life with tiny precious moments of happiness that make their lives worthwhile.

 

With that money Seohee and her father gave her mother the best they could for her funeral: good wood for the coffin, money to bring with her to heaven, a nice celebration and a nice spot in the cemetery. Unfortunately there was no time to have a dress tailored for her, but Seohee knew her mother would've been happy with what they'd done anyways.

 

The two weeks she spent at home flew by, but were really slow at the same time. Every day, around the time her mother had passed away, Seohee made a mental note of how much time it had been since her mother had exhaled her last breath. Without her even noticing, her father had stayed at home with her, spending the longest time away from his library ever since she could remember. He was there but they had nothing to say. Too lost in their pain and too little time spent together to know each other enough to keep a conversation going. Sometimes someone passed by, especially her aunts, to bring food and check on them, and yet Seohee felt lonelier than ever. She couldn't cry and she couldn't go on. She felt nothing.

 

Going back to work wasn't as traumatizing as she'd thought it would be. She barely even noticed people staring and whispering about her. All her actions were mechanical. Not even Junmyeon's presence seemed to be enough to distract her from her thoughts. Would her mother think it was disrespectful of her that she started working again so soon after her death? Would people think she wasn't being filian enough?

 

Seohee had no idea of how long had passed ever since she had started working again. Everyday was the same, same actions, same people, same thoughts, until one day she dropped a china vase by mistake. The loud sound had made her snap from her little grey worls, and suddenly she felt tears running down her cheeks. There was no reason for it, but seeing the shards of that beautiful broken vase saddened her to the point Seohee wasn't able to stop herself from shedding tears. It was not like she was afraid of an eventual punishment. Seohee felt extremely sorry to have destroyed that piece of art belonging to the Kim, who had helped her in many ways through the years, and there was this heavy feeling in her chest Seohee couldn't understand. It was just a vase and probably no one was even going to reprimand her about it, still she couldn't stop her tears and the pain. The strong anguish was unexplainable and terrifying. It wasn't until she felt strong arms circling her body that Seohee realize how loud she was being.

 

Feeling a body wrapped around hers made her cry even harder, knowing well she was being pathetic, but not being able to control her body.

 

“Shh, Seohee, calm down. It doesn't matter, okay? It's just a vase”. The voice startled Seohee, who raised her head to look at him in the eyes. His hand was still running up and down her back, giving her comfort, while he dried her cheeks with his other hand. Seohee was so surprised she didn't know what to say. Being held like that buy Junmyeon, the man she had a crush for, but also the man she worked for in such a vulnerable momen felt right and wrong at the same time. The way her heart was pounding inside her cage was hinting that maybe what she had for Junmyeon was more than a simple crush. “Breathe slowly, Seohee. Everything is alright”. Junmyeon kept his voice low and soothing, his hand still running down her arm, making sure she was calming down. They hadn'y even spoken after their fight, and that was before her mother died, but he acted like everything was okay.

 

And somehow it was alright in the end. No one punished her, no one saw her and Junmyeon and no one asked her anything in general about that day. The only thing that had changed was that now she and Junmyeon were close once again. He talked more with her, telling her snippets of his day, and without Seohee even noticing, the presents slowed down and the letters stopped arriving every two days. Sometimes even three weeks passed between one letter and the other, and then they stopped coming. Seohee didn't have the guts to ask Junmyeon what had happened, but she was trying to grasp informations about the situation. Albeit she still often spaced out thinking about her mother, Seohee felt herself getting better as the time passed. Slowly she found herself experiencing feelings again, slipping out of dull nothingness that had swallowed her after her mother's death. And while she didn't feel too interested in what was going around her yet, she couldn't deny she was curious about Junmyeon. He'd suddenly let go of their fight, let go of his grudge and he was back to his old self, or even a better version of himself, and Seohee wanted to know why. He was more touchy and he talked more, and Seohee found it even harder to keep her feet on the ground and remind herself Junmyeon couldn't be hers. It was so easy to fall hard for him, no matter how much she tried to hold back her feelings.

 

In the last couple of months her father had become more present too. It was a slow progress, but their relationship was still better than it was before. They were getting to know each other better and Seohee had discovered his father wasn't half as bad as she thought he was. They also discovered they shared some interests. Sometimes Seohee still felt upset for how long he'd been absent in her life and how long he'd deprived her of the father-daughter bond, but now than she no longer had a mother she could count on, Seohee had learnt she could get over it. Perhaps it would need years to be the special kind of bond she'd always dreamed of, or maybe it was never going to became what she wanted it to be, but it was still better than nothing at all. Moreover, she appreciated the effort he was putting in helping her juggling both her job, the house chores in their own home, preparing the meals and going grocery shopping. Their house wasn't really big, but they had a lot of pretty little objects scattered all around, since they'd decided to leave the house just the way it was when her mother was still alive, and it was a relief to get home to a almost completely dusted room rather than have all the work to do. It was quite unusual to see a man doing what her father did. He was still quite clumsy as well, but Seohee knew he was trying his best, and since he never asked her any advice in how to correctly do the chores, Seohee let him do how he pleased, supposing he probably was embarrassed by the fact that he was doing a woman's job.

 

A young guy had recently started working for his library, and Seohee often ended up listening to her father talking about him. It seemed like he was a really good guy, very clever and handsome. Sometimes Sori had the feeling her father talked about him so much because he wanted her to take a liking on him too, but he never said anything explicit about it, so Sori just pretended not to have notices his intentions.

 

“Please, bring the deserts”. Mrs Kim voice startled Seohee back to reality. How long had she being spacing out for?

 

The woman from before glared in her direction, but Seohee pretended not to have noticed. She collected the plates, two at a time to make it faster, and put them back on the little silver tray she'd brought back with her from the kitchen. Perhaps it wasn't the best she could do, but she really wanted to leave that room.

 

The pat to the kitchen looked strangely old and new at the same time, giving her a feeling of longing, as if Seohee had been there a thousand times before, but had never properly look around. She took in all the paintings, both the ones hanged to the walls and to those painted on the ceiling, feeling a strong admiration for the Kim family once again, who could effort such pretty and expensive things while still keeping their humbleness.

 

The large kitchen was finally being washed by the four usual maids, as only the coffees and teas were left to be served. Mejin had put the deserts on the plates already, and was finally resting in front of the fireplace. Seohee felt a great respect for her. She couldn't imagine how tiring it must be for her to work that hard without taking breaks at her age, and not being able to retire because of the need of money. Seohee often wonder if that was how she was going to end up: old and tired, but always lacking the money she needed to survive, watching Junmyeon happily getting old with his wife and his children by his side while she was devastated by her loneliness. It was a scarily realistic future, and Seohee found it terrifying.

 

She wanted to be happy too. She wanted all the happiness she had never felt in her life before. She wanted to be loved. She wanted a full life. And it didn't matter how much she would have to work hard for it. She was not going to be a princess in this life, but did that mean she must live a horrible life?

 

Aerin helped Seohee once again with avoiding Junmyeon, serving the part of the table occupied by the men, while she served the women on the other side. With her empty tray, Seohee took her spot near the door again, next to Aerin, who looked bored and annoyed to no end. It was always embarrassing and humiliating to be serving such rich people, and it wasn't even because the were servants, but because of the way they were treated. They were either insulted or completely ignored while they stood there, watching them eat and being ready to jump in action whenever someone ordered a refill for their glasses or wanted to be brought a clean plate. To Seohee it was the worse, for it never failed to remind her what was her position in the society.

 

A loud gasp interrupted the lunch, making everyone turn in Junmyeon's wife direction. She was holding her belly, looking completely embarrassed by the noise she had produced.

 

“Is everything okay? Do you feel any pain?”, Junmyeon, attentive as always, asked her right away. Seohee felt the sting of envy for not being the one receiving such attentions from him. No matter how many times she saw scenes like that right in front of her eyes, no matter how many times she told herself she was over Junmyeon, it always make her feel a pang in her heart.

 

“No, Myeon, you don't have to worry. It was just a strong kick, but it wasn't painful”. She gave him a sweat and bright smile, and Seohee's stomach churned with hate and disgust, albeit there was no reason for her to feel that way.

 

“We have a strong grandchild on the way, then. I am really happy about this”, Mrs Kim commented. Seohee couldn't keep herself from rolling her eyes and turning her gaze elsewhere, at least trying to spare herself from the sight of Junmyeon's wife red cheeks and bright smile. It was nobody's fault. It was just the life she was destined to live.

 

“We sure are. How about you? Is your daughter-in-law pregnant already?”, Mr. Kim asked to the man who was sitting in front of him.

 

It didn't take long for the conversations to start again, and Seohee slowly slipped in her daydreaming again. With her mind she went back to when she was almost eighteen. Working hadn't really been hard for her at the time: her father had started working more as a result of the purchase of new building to fit all of the book his library held, thus she often felt alone when she was at home alone, while at work she always had someone to talk to. The Kim family had hired new maids, since some of the old ones and retired, and Seohee had to teach them how to do the house works the way Mrs Kim liked them. Junmyeon's sisters had grown up, and they had a lot of free time, which they liked to spend gossiping. They had also grown closer with Seohee with the amount of time she spent in the house, so at timed they trusted her with their secrets and asked her for an advice. Seohee wouldn't have gone as far as saying they were the sisters she never had, but at times it really seemed like they were real friends, albeit she knew it would never be that way. They made her feel like she was more than a simple maid.

 

Junmyeon had told her he was grateful for the fact that she kept an eye on them when he wasn't around. Lately he had had more time to spend at home, however it was all useless since he had way more paperwork to do, thus he was always locked inside his studio. He passed most of afternoons and evenings there, after having come back from the family factory. They were going through expansions, thus they had to buy new machines and equipment, and the operations required a lot of attention and a careful comparison of prices and quality, which was a responsibility his father had given to him. At night he usually had a little free time though, and he liked to spend it dining with his family and then catching up with the newest gossip from the town. Junmyeon would've never admitted it, but Seohee knew he liked gossiping.

 

It so happened that often Seohee was the one serving them, as she'd taken up the habit of sleeping there a couple of days a week, when she knew in the morning the maids had to do the shopping, so she could go with them and help them bring back the heavy baskets, filled with new products. Often when she was washing the dirty dishes used for the dinner, Junmyeon liked to keep her company in the kitchens. At times they chattered for hours, at times only five minutes, and other times he didn't bother starting a conversation when he knew she was lost in her thoughts. He just sat there keeping her company. It was nice, and slowly they were finding out all the things they had in common. Junmyeon was an interesting man, who always knew how to keep the conversation going, and he also knew a lot on interesting things. Sometimes he also trusted her with some of the factory's projects, and that made Seohee feel so important.

 

Seohee still hadn't discovered what had happened with the girl he was courting years ago, but since Junmyeon never mentioned her and always changed the subject if Seohee hinted to it, she had decided to just give up on it, telling herself that if Junmyeon ever wanted her to know what had happened, then he would've been the one to tell her about it. Not that Seohee minded having his whole attention without having to listen to Junmyeon talking about the mysterious girl he was courting.

 

They had grow really close over the last two years, and they often had a good time together. There were little disagreements from time to time, but nothing big like in the past happened. Seohee felt more comfortable with him than with anyone else, and in spite of recognizing that Junmyeon would've never returned her feelings, she liked to bask in the unique attention he paid to her only. Seohee like to imagine a day in which Junmyeon would've confessed his love for her and made her his wife in spite of her social status, in spite of people's opinions and in spite of whatever rich girl was trying to get his attention. From time to time she could see him glancing in her direction, or blatantly staring at her, and she took pride in it. She might not have silk dressed and make up on point, but her skin had always been good, and her hair, albeit she always kept them in a tight braid, were thick and shiny. When Junmyeon looked at her that way she felt pretty, and that was enough for her. He had even brought her a pretty necklace for her to wear from his last business trip, giving it to her for her eighteenth birthday. Seohee had never felt more happy before! That day Seohee hadn't been able to restrain herself from hugging Junmyeon tightly to her chest, and he had hugged even more tightly, and hope had sparkle in Seohee's soul. It was when he asked her to wear it everyday that Seohee started suspecting that maybe, just maybe, he felt something for her.

 

Seohee didn't dare to hope for much, yet the glances between them had become more and more frequent. After nights spent talking together till early in the morning, they knew each other enough to be able to speak without saying anything out loud. A glance was enough to know what the other was thinking. Hidden from his family and the other maids, they exchanged smiles and at times even small touches, but as the months passed by, it was getting harder to keep in mind that what they were doing wasn't right. It had started with an innocent caress on her hand from time to time, then it had developed in something more intimate. They never crossed the line with a kiss, but their hugs held much more than what they dared to say with words. They weren't allowed to have that kind of feelings for each other and they knew it perfectly well. However at times they couldn't help it, and Seohee had had to put some distance between her and Junmyeon during dinner service, because they'd gotten so used to each other than at times she leaned to close to him when she was serving him his meals or listening to them talking.

 

The hours they spent together in the kitchen were getting longer, and at times they moved to Junmyeon's room to be comfortable and feel more secure no one could listen to their conversations. After all, who would have found them together in his room after midnight? Moreover, whenever that time of the night came and everyone left, Seohee felt like there was this nervous tensions between them, and albeit she couldn't put her finger on what it was, she knew she loved the way he looked at her when they were surrounded by that kind of tension.

 

Seohee had always thought that she would've always been alone, and after her mother's death her idea seemed as close to reality as it could get, but she didn't want to think that way anymore. Junmyeon showed her everyday how nice it was to have someone taking care of you and thinking about you. Sure, she still had her father, but it wasn't the same thing.

 

When Junmyeon had to leave for a full week or more, Seohee felt his absence, and it often made her wonder what kind of life they could have if they were to admit their feelings for each other, supposing he felt the same way. Would they be able to be more than maid and master? Would they receive their parents blessing? What about Junmyeon's sisters? Would people talk behind her back? There were already people who whispered about her because of the necklace he'd gave her a present, she could only imagine what would've happened if they were to get together. These were only a couple of the hundreds thoughts that crossed her mind, but whenever Junmyeon came back from his journeys, nothing seemed to bother her anymore. Sure, their situation wasn't ideal and they still hadn't spoken openly about their feelings, still she didn't want to ruin their time together by asking his the wrong question at the wrong time. She was in no rush to talk about those topics.

 

It happened the day of her nineteenth birthday. Seohee hadn't really paid much attention to it, for ever since her mother's death, her birthday only remembered her mother's anniversary was close and that she'd spent another year without her. Not something people would like to party about. Her father had wished a happy birthday already, Sehun had sent her a pretty bouquet and also Junmyeon's sister had gave her an embroidered with golden thread and made of silk fan, thus she'd expected nobody else knew about it. Actually, it was already too much in her opinion, which was why she was suspecting nothing when Junmyeon asked her to keep him company in his chamber later in the night.

 

“Come in, I already looked around and made sure there was nobody else awake”, he told her as he dragged her inside his room by the sleeve of her dress. Seohee was so tired she only wished she could go home and sleep, if she were to be honest, but at the same time she didn't want to lose the chance of spending time alone with Junmyeon.

 

“First of all, I wanted to say that, aside from wanting to spend some quality time with you, I also asked you to come here because I wanted to tell you this: happy birthday, my dear Seohee, I wish you a hundred of this days!”. Seohee was already staring at him with her eyes wide open, her heart beating a thousand times a minute. “And”, he prolonged the 'a', “I also wanted to give you these little presents”. Junmyeon gently turned her around by her shoulder, and led her towards his bed. “I'm sorry if they're not packed properly, but I don't know how to make those cute little wrappings”, he added, seeing Seohee wasn't speaking, and taking it as a bad sign.

 

“Oh my God, why did you do this?”, she wanted to hide her face in her hands, “You didn't have to buy me anything!”, Seohee lightly pushed his arm as she turned her lowered her head, trying to cover up her blushed cheeks the best she could. “I like them the way they are”, she murmured under her breath.

 

“But I really wanted to! You should always celebrate the day in which such a beautiful person appeared on this Earth!”. Junmyeon sounded so cheese, and Seohee really loved it, although she was never going to admit it. “Shall we open the presents, then?”. Fearing her voice would tremble, Seohee simply nodded with her head. It was such a weird thing to receive presents from him, not that she would say she disliked it (quite opposite instead). The only thing that bothered her was that if he'd bought her something too precious, she wouldn't be able to return the courtesy for his birthday. “Why don't you start with this one? I hope you don't expect too much, because I bought these simple things and I don't want you to be disappointed...”, Junmyeon's voice turned into a background noise, and Seohee focused on the little box right in front of her. The design was quite simple, unlike the ones of the other two boxes, thus Seohee hoped at least that one wouldn't be something expensive. Instead of grabbing the one Junmyeon was pointing at, she grabbed the one that she was eyeing. Junmyeon was still rambling because of his nervousness, and he failed to notice Seohee had already opened one box and was already starting at him with her mouth ajar.

 

“How much did this cost?!”. Seohee was utterly shocked by the amount of chocolates he'd bought her. There were many different kind of wrappers and a lot of words printed on the flimsy, but bright papers, but it was a language Seohee didn't know, which would only mean he'd bought them while he was travelling or had them delivered from another country.

 

“Oh, those? Why did you open that box first?”, the man whined, bothered by the girl's choice, “Don't look at me like that, Seohee. I know you like chocolate, and when I was in Switzerland I tasted some of these, and ever since then I order them from there every once in a while. I ordered more for mother and me, don't worry. Look, there are many different flavours, and...well, you might not like all of them, but I hope you will”. Junmyeon had leaned closer while he was speaking, pointing at the different wrappers that corresponded to the different flavours of the chocolates, and now she could feel his chest resting against her shoulder. The heat his body was emanating was having a weird effect on Seohee, and she could feel her stomach churning with a weird feeling. Having him so close made her feel both nervous and happy. She felt herself blushing even more, thus Seohee tried to stop herself from thinking too much by grabbing the other box. This one was ermined in a rich black velvet. Near the interlocking closure there were golden embroideries in the shape of leaves and threes. The box was really beautiful and precious itself, Seohee couldn't really imagine what it could contain. Beside her Junmyeon was holding his breath, nervous about her reaction.

 

Seohee slowly and carefully opened the precious box, and once again she was at a loss for words. Junmyeon had gifted her with a beautiful fabric she could use to have her clothes tailored for her! Seohee had seldom handled such an expensive fabric and, if she wasn't mistaken, it seemed to be white English silken brocade and long stripes of satin and silk to decorate the hems of the dresses, so that the materials were matched. Seohee knew there wouldn't be many chances in her life for her to wear such an expensive fabric, yet she couldn't help but feel pleased with it. The idea of having such a dress made her feel closer to Junmyeon's rank, rather than a simple servant.

 

“Junmyeon, this...”, she really couldn't find the words to tell him how much she liked his present.

 

“I chose the prettiest fabrics for the prettiest girl”, Junmyeon told her with a smile on his voice. He was leaning so close now, that Seohee could feel the puffs of his breath on her neck, and by then she didn't know whether she was getting shivers from the proximity they where standing at, or if it was because of his words. The room seemed to be getting hotter, and Seohee started fanning herself with a hand. Long forgotten was the tiredness from earlier. “Ready for the last gift? It's something small, but I hope you'll like it anyways”. He grabbed the last box from his bed and handed it to her. It was significantly smaller than the previous ones and Seohee was really anticipating opening it. She always had a passion for cute, little things, and maybe Junmyeon knew about it and had found her something exclusive! Who would have imagined she liked opening presents that much? Her imagination was running free, and without focusing much on the box Seohee opened it.

 

Her pulse sped up right away at the sight of the silver bracelet. It wasn't really because of the bracelet, because she'd already been gifted expensive things from him, and she would've loved any gift coming from him anyway, but because of what it meant. While the most part of the chain what hidden under a scented cotton swab, a pendant was resting above it with two letters engraved in it. It read “S&J, with love”, and right under each letter a stone was inlaid. A white one under the 'S' and a blue one under the 'J'. It was extremely pretty and Seohee couldn't wrap her head around the idea Junmyeon had given that to her as a confession. The confession she'd waiting for years. The confirmation her feeling's weren't one-sided.

 

“I...I have to admit I've been planning this gift for you for a while. I was extremely nervous at the idea of giving you such a confession, but as I observed the way you act around me, as I had a feeling you might feel the same way I do...thus I decided to try my luck today”. Junmyeon, who'd been standing behind her this whole time, grabbed her by the shoulders and gently turned Seohee, so that she was facing him. He then proceeded to lift her chin to make her meet his eyes, as he grabbed her hand with his free one. “Tell me Seohee, do you perhaps feel the same way about me? Are you afraid of your feelings because of who we are? Do you love me as much as I love you?”.

 

As soon as she heard him pronounce those words, Seohee felt her eyes watering, but nott wanting to ruin the moment with her tears, she took a calming deep breath and waited a moment before answering, trying to keep her emotions under control. In her mind she was planning a long, romantic reply, however the only thing that came out of her mouth was: “I do”. Cursing herself in her mind, she barely managed to add: “I have for a while, actually”. It was embarrassing how her voice was trembling and breaking, making the words sound weird. That wasn't how she'd always planned her confession to go.

 

“You really do? That is...simply amazing! I was going crazy thinking you might like that Sehun guy!”, and out of nowhere Seohee found herself engulfed by his strong arms, that were now holding her against her waste. Seohee was flushed against him, feeling his firm body closer than she had ever been to a guy before. The new sensation was giving her mixed feelings, as if she was feeling both weak and extremely brave at the same time, powerful yet frail like never before. “I'm so happy!”. They were now swinging from side to side while Junmyeon chuckled lightly in her ear.

 

“I could never like Sehun the way I like you, Junmyeon. I talked to you about him because we've become friends, not because I have feelings for him”, Seohee whined, holding on to him just as strong, while hiding her face on his shoulder.

 

“You have no idea how glad I am to hear that”, he chuckled again, not even imagining that Seohee actually knew how he felt, because it was exactly how she had felt when he was receiving all those letters from that girl. “If you feel the same, than do you mind if I do this?”. This last sentence was barely more that a whisper, the mood having changed completely from the merry atmosphere of only moments before. His voice had lowered to a low rumble Seohee had never heard before.

 

Having felt his grip on her change, moving lower, to grab on her hips, Seohee lifted her face to study his expression, only to find Junmyeon staring at her with a weird light glistening in his eyes. She'd seen it a couple of times before, but never as strong. His eyes slid towards her lips before they were fixed back on hers again, and very slowly he leaned towards her, giving her the chance to stop him. Seohee only gasped in surprised, but didn't oppose any resistance. God only knew how many times she'd fantasised about a moment like this.

 

As soon as his soft lips touched hers, Seohee closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of such a warm sensation. Having never kissed anyone before, it was a unique and new experience, thus Seohee had nothing she could compare it to, but thinking about what her friends had told her, kissing the man she loved really felt like a magic moment. Time seemed to have stopped around her an nothing seemed to matter that much anymore.

 

“Okay?”, Junmyeon asked, separating her lips from hers, but not putting much distance between them. In all answer, Seohee grabbed a handful of his dark lock and glued her lips back to his. Caught a bit by surprise, Junmyeon stilled a moment before he managed to gain control of the situation again, tilting Seohee's head the way he wanted it, and slowly moving his lips against hers. Seohee felt like the room was getting hotter and hotter, and in spite of the warmth she was feeling, she was grabbing him with more force, bringing him as close as she could, passed, and Junmyeon was doing the same with her.

 

It was only when Junmyeon let out a moan that they regained consciousness of the situation.

 

“I'm...I think it's better if we stop here for tonight. I don't want to ruin your chastity, and I'm afraid my self-control isn't at his best at the moment”. He looked completely out of it and his voice sounded weird in Seohee's ears, but his words made sense. What would people say if they were to discover that not only she had a thing going on with such a rich man, but she had lost her virginity to him the exact moment he confessed to her? What would Junmyeon think of her if she just gave in to his advances like that?

 

That night Seohee didn't sleep well. She kept turning in her bed, thinking about Junmyeon's words and the feeling of his soft lips against hers.

 

The next day Seohee was oozing happiness, eyes sparkling, red cheeks and giving big smiles to whomever made eye contact with her. Junmyeon looked just as giddy, and Seohee couldn't wait to be alone with him to hug him tightly to her chest. She almost started singing while she was dusting the living room, and Seohee wasn't the kind of person who sang freely in public.

 

It went on like that for three weeks. They tried not to give away they had something going on in front of the others, and spent their nights and evenings together, far away from prying eyes. Sure, it was very similar to what they did before, but now they also hugged and kissed each other, not afraid to touch the other whenever they felt like it. Even just holding Junmyeon's hand made Seohee feel better after a tiring day. At times the just talked, not even touching the other, but it was enough to Seohee. It was the feeling of belonging to someone that had finally stopped the hollowness she'd been feeling for years. The certitude that she wasn't alone anymore.

 

Seohee recognized she wasn't a good actress when her father started asking what was making her smile that much lately. Seohee had just snickered, telling him it was nothing, already knowing that he wouldn't have approved to her and Junmyeon's relationship.

 

She hid the little notes Junmyeon left for her inside his room, and at night she read them again, trying to memorize every single word he'd written for her and leaving him a short reply while she was making his bed in the morning. She felt so giddy inside. Finally she felt happy too, and she could now understand why the other girls in her age were already married or about to be married of. Being in love was great.

 

Then she heard the first rumour, and Seohee really wanted to laugh at that girl's face. Why would Junmyeon get married without asking her? The younger maid often liked to invent rumours to make themselves shine in front of the other maid, even taking their stories a little too far at times.

 

But in the following days the rumours multiplied, and Seohee started questioning what was going on and where had they heard such a thing. However, before she had the chance to ask Junmyeon an explanation, the first gift arrived. The gift for his marriage.

 

Seohee remembered staying in Junmyeon's room barely enough to hear him say that he'd discovered his parents had arranged the marriage only a couple of days before, but didn't know how to tell her about it. She cried herself to sleep that night, and finally realized that no matter how many times she told herself there was no future for them, she'd kept feeding her own delusion, helped by Junmyeon's behaviour, and this was the result. She had never felt more betrayed before.

 

She was back to her loneliness.

 

Going to work the day after Junmyeon's confession had been one of the hardest things Seohee had ever done in her life. Being one of those who'd worked the longest for the Kim family, Seohee had been appointed to bringing the incoming presents to the party hall, the one who had to ornate the room and bast the huge table where all the presents were to be put, so that they were ready for the wedding reception. Day after day new presents arrived, cutting Seohee's pride deeper every single time she had to bring another package to the party hall.

 

Mrs. Kim was overjoyed and talked about the marriage to whomever lent her their time, and while Mr. Kim only looked proud of Junmyeon, his sister were going crazy looking for the right materials for their dresses and how to have everything tailored in time with the little time left before the ceremony. All the house personal was gushing about the grandeur of the celebration. And Seohee wanted to throw up every time she heard the words 'Junmyeon' and 'marriage' in the same sentence.

 

Apparently no one aside from Mrs and Mr. Kim knew about the arranged marriage, but that was not enough of an excuse to justify Junmyeon. Seohee's hurt pride forbade her from forgiving him for keeping it from her and from listening to him. What good would've brought listening to him when he was about to marry another girl? Would telling him she loved him way more than that girl could ever do be enough to stop the marriage from happening? She would just be pathetic and she couldn't allow that to herself. She already felt pathetic enough.

 

And so Seohee worked in silence, avoiding everyone in fear of crying or saying something she wasn't allowed to. The worst had been the moment she'd been asked to help the tailor with the fitting for Junmyeon's suit only a week later. He looked so good in his black suit Seohee couldn't keep herself from staring a little. She had also noticed how Junmyeon was looking at her from the mirror and the way he was eyeing her trembling hands, but she pretended not to. In three days he would've been another woman's man. It seemed all so absurd to her how in less than a month and a half their relationship had started, concluded and she'd been replaced.

 

The night before the ceremony Junmyeon had looked for her in the kitchens, but Seohee had recognized the sound of his steps and had decided to hide in the storage room and wait for him to leave. She'd heard a sound very similar to sniffling, but it didn't matter anymore. What did it matter that Junmyeon was tearing up for her now when he'd be married to another woman in a couple of hours? What did it matter that he was crying for her when he was destined to a greater future with a woman worthy of him? A woman with whom he wouldn't have to hide to show her affection. A woman that would be reputed perfect for him by everyone else. Moreover she wasn't ready to face him and admit to herself she'd completely lost him. No amount of talking could've changed that reality.

 

Seohee had had a lot of time to rethink her choices in the last two weeks, and albeit she had realized that she really had no reason to be upset, because she had always known this was how thing were supposed to be, she was still hurting because of the situation. There would've been no future for her and Junmyeon. They couldn't have possibly hidden in his room forever. One day one of them would've wanted more and would've grown frustrated with the other for not having the chance to leave a real marriage, and then what? Maybe by then she would've been old and without another chance to meet another man she could fall in love with, she'd resonated. She knew it was the right decision, she really did, but she wanted to cry her eyes out and ask him to run away with her, like the characters of those romance books she'd always like to read. The only problem was that this was the real life, and things like that didn't happen.

 

With an excuse Seohee managed to avoid attending to the marriage, in spite of being invited both from Mrs. Kim and from Junmyeon's sister to sit in last rows of the church to be there for Junmyeon. Seohee kept herself busy by helping in the kitchens and dusting every single surface of the party hall instead. It was the best she could do to stop herself from crying and imagining Junmyeon standing by the altar with another woman. The extreme pain she felt when Junmyeon and his new wife arrived hand in hand in the hall couldn't be explained. It was a mix of jealousy, pain, anxiety and hatred. Hatred for all these rich people. Hatred for Junmyeon. Hate for his wife. Hate for the Kims. Hating them all because the man who'd professed his love for her less than a month and half ago was not married to another woman. Hate. Because hating was easier that just suffering. Pretending she didn't care was already hard enough without having reality slapping her in the face.

 

For the whole reception Seohee wore a fake smile on her face, hoping it wasn't too clear she wasn't feeling as happy as she wanted them to believe. She served for the whole afternoon, for the night and until the ball finished later in the night. Feeling the pain in her feet seemed way better than feeling the one in her heart, thus Seohee worked until her whole body was aching, bringing food, plates, glasses, whine, handkerchiefs to and from the kitchens with no pause, making sure to always keep her eyes away from the two newlyweds.

 

When everyone left, Seohee felt so tired she didn't even feel like crying anymore. She cleaned the room the best she could and then left whatever was left to do for the morning, because she was really exhausted and mind felt fuzzy, which could be risky when handling fine, expensive china. She didn't sleep that night though. She didn't even cry. Seohee spent her whole night staring at the ceiling, rewatching and analysing whatever image from the party that flashed in her mind. It feel both too much and not enough at the same time. Her brain wanted to shut down, but Seohee didn't allow it.

 

She wanted to throw up the moment the other maids informed her she'd been appointed to Junmyeon's room that day. To this day Seohee can't forget how disgusted, betrayed and hurt she felt seeing all the blood smeared on the sheets she'd cleaned and used to make the bed. It felt like God was really playing with her. The betrayal from the news of the wedding paled in front of what she was feeling now. It also felt like reality was kicking her in the face for even just thinking she could've been with him. Then the tears started threatening to fall and Seohee decided she had had enough. She just folded the stained sheet and handed it to Mrs Kim, so that she could happily show it to whomever she liked to prove he purity of her daughter-in-law, before she asked for a two weeks leave. Mrs. Kim had clearly showed she was disappointed in her for wanting to take her leave when she was needed the most, yet she couldn't really deny it to Seohee when she told her she was starting to feel sick. For the first time, Seohee hated her too. There were so many other maid, why couldn't she just appoint another maid to that room and leave her alone?

 

In reality, at the moment Seohee couldn't care less of what people thought of her, be it Mrs Kim or anyone else, but she didn't want to raise suspects nor did she want to upset Mrs. Kim. The Kims had been very nice with her in the years she'd spent with them, but for once Seohee really felt like she couldn't get over herself and just go with whatever was happening just to please her.

 

As soon as she reached her own home Seohee laid in her bed and finally allowed herself to feel the pain. Tears streamed silently down her cheeks as she found herself whispering “I love you” again and again, and no matter how much she tried to stop herself, she couldn't. At some point she must have fallen asleep, because she woke up to a dark sky and her father sorting the fruit her aunt had brought a couple of days prior.

 

Time seemed to pass really slowly, day after day, but the pain wasn't going away, and every time Seohee had to see Junmyeon interacting with his wife she asked herself if this was the future she wanted for herself. In the last years she'd managed to save some money from both hers and her father's salaries, thus they weren't in a dire need for money, but she couldn't bring herself to give up on her job just yet. Maybe it was because she liked the way Junmyeon still looked at her, searching for her eyes even weeks later from the day of his marriage, how he tried to start a conversation, or maybe it was that she wanted to see how things developed, Seohee only knew she wasn't ready to let go yet.

 

Just like the pain, the love she felt for Junmyeon hadn't faded as the time passed. Seohee really tried to forget him, to focus on other things, but whenever she caught the sight herself in the mirror and saw the necklace he'd given to her, whenever she folded his clothes and his perfume reached her nose, whenever he went out of his way to see if she was in the kitchens, the spark of that old annoying feeling started shining again.

 

It felt like a punch in the face when Mrs. Kim proudly told everyone that her daughter-in-law was pregnant. It had been only three months from the marriage and she was already pregnant. Seohee felt the shock of discovering that she'd been cheated on. Or at least that was what it felt like knowing that not only he'd married her and he'd consumed his marriage the first night, but he'd also laid with her more times.

 

At the time Seohee wondered if loving too might killed, because she sure felt like she was dying inside.

 

It was around that time too that Seohee's father, tired of seeing his daughter coming home in a distraught state of mind and pain clearly written all over her face, had told her she was to get married to Sehun. Sehun had tried to ease the situation the best he could, but it was painful for him too to see Seohee like that. It hurt to know that he'd been pining after her for years now, and no matter how hard he tried, she didn't seem to be able to get over Junmyeon.

 

Around two months later, after days spent seeing Seohee crying and comforting her, Sehun decided it was high time he proposed to her, and he did it with simple words. No parties, no flowers, no pretty clothes, knowing too well there was a very high chance he'd be rejected. It was just a day like another, they were sitting together and chatting near the fireplace, and out of nowhere Sehun had find the courage to hold Seohee's hand. Noticing she wasn't taking her hand back, Sehun had decided to try his luck.

 

“Seohee, why don't we get married?”, hearing her gasp he'd quickly added: “I k-know you don't like me like that and y-you don't have that kind of feelings for me, but we could just try. We could just keep c-company to each other and keep your father with us, so that he could retire and he wouldn't have to w-worry about growing old without having seen his daughter getting married”. His words had brought more anxiety over Seohee's already frantic condition. Even to Seohee, it seemed that her reaction was really exaggerated since she'd already thought the same things over and over again after the fight she'd had with her father, but hearing the coming from someone else's mouth was completely different.

 

“But I don't think I'm ready, Sehun. I-I...I'm scared and also I don't think I'm r-ready to give myself to-”, Sehun cut her off before she ended her sentence, his face and neck completely blushed.

 

“Nonono, w-hat are you saying? Are you o-out of your mind? Did you not hear what I said before?”, he looked as frantic as Seohee was earlier, and if she wasn't feeling just as embarrassed, she might have found it funny. “I didn't mean it like that! I...I said we might keep each other company b-but not _like that_ _!_ What do you take me for? If something l-like that will happen in he future, I want you to feel the same w-way I do. A-and it's not like we have to get married tomorrow. Aish”. With that Sehun left the spot near her to go help her father outside. Seohee had realized long ago that Sehun stuttered when he was embarrassed, and he got embarrassed really easily, which was kind of was charming in her eyes. It was so cute, that his reaction brought a smile to her face. A small one, but a smile nonetheless.

 

Going to work was becoming more and more of a burden as Seohee realized Junmyeon looked at her less often while the relationship with his wife was getting better. It was a stinging pain right in her heart. The envy made her want to slap him right in the face to make him notice she was still there. The woman to whom he declared him love six months ago was there to watch the disgusting scene of him and his wife laughing about the newest gossip in town. At the same time she also wanted to hug him tightly again and tell him she forgave him, that she missed him and yell at whole world that Junmyeon was hers.

 

The couple seemed to grow closer as the baby inside Junmyeon's wife grew. The bigger her belly grew the closer they got, the further away Seohee felt from the man she loved. It was getting harder and harder to pretend to be happy for them in front of everyone, and the excuse of being tired could only be used so much before people started noticing there was something off with her.

 

In the mean while, Sehun had taken up the habit of having dinner at Seohee's house, leaving a little later every night. Seohee could see her father studying their relationship and nodding when he caught them chuckling at Sehun's silly jokes. She knew if she accepted Sehun's proposal she would've made her father happy. Thus, one night, she just grabbed Sehun's hand the same way her did when he proposed to her. Hearing the loud gasp the man released, Seohee felt in control for the first time in months. Powerful.

 

“I think I'm ready”. She tightened her grip on Sehun's hand, and cleaned the confusion evident in the man's expression by adding: “I'm ready to marry you”. Sehun was speechless, thus he only managed to nod in reply. “I might not love you right now, but who says I won't in the future? We could also just keep company to each other like you said, being respectful of the other's feelings, and going at our own pace. Like you said, it would also make my father happy”. Pronouncing those words out loud was hurtful. Seohee felt like she was surrendering, yet she couldn't even say it wasn't right. Was surrendering wrong if there was no hope to live the future with the man she had loved for all these years? Was it wrong that she wanted to get over her feelings for him and love someone else? Maybe not even love him, even just liking someone new and not suffering anymore for someone who'd gotten over her so easily wouldn't have been bad, and she felt like she was finally ready to give herself a chance.

 

Sehun looked like he wanted to tear up a little because of the twirl of emotions he was feeling, but he wanted to be stronger than that in front of Seohee. He could cry about how lucky he felt later on, when he was alone in his own home.

 

Seohee's father was overjoyed at the news, and promised he'd help the young couple with whatever they needed, while Sehun promised Seohee he would try to make it as quick as she could, so that she wouldn't have to work for the Kims anymore. To be honest, he'd offered to give his own money to spare her from the torture of seeing Junmyeon and his wife everyday, but Seohee had refused to stop working for them until the marriage. She didn't tell him this, but she was also afraid of leaving the Kim family so easily after so long. What if she told them she couldn't work there anymore and that she was getting married soon? Would they think Sehun was forcing her to stay at home? Would they have a bad opinion of the two of them? Would she be replaced easily? Seohee didn't want to know, thus she decided not to tell them anything at all until the very last day. She had come to the decision of just asking for a short leave beforehand, and then leave. Maybe she would leave them a short letter to thank them for the kindness they'd shown her throughout the years she'd worked for them and wish them the best, but nothing more.

 

Seohee told no one about the marriage, but one by one the other maids noticed the silver ring on her ring finger and the rumour spread in the whole manor like a wildfire. She hadn't tried to hide the ring Sehun had brought her the day after she'd accepted his proposal, but since their wedding would've been celebrated in two months, Seohee had also felt no reason to go around talking about it. Soon there were people asking about her fiancée, how her father had taken her engagement, what she wanted to wear for her marriage, and a whole lot of other questions she paid no attention to. There wasn't much to say anyway.

 

It wasn't long before a very annoyed looking Junmyeon was cornering her in his room, asking for an explanation, and finally Seohee got a bit of the revenge she had dreamed of for so long, telling him it was none of his business, and that since he hadn't cared to excuse his behaviour with his wife or for having knocked her up right after their wedding, then he shouldn't dare to ask for an explanation from her. Not when she'd been loyal to him even after everything he'd put her through. Junmyeon had looked torn, but hadn't dared to speak more, choosing to leave the room and acting a poor victim.

 

From that day on, Seohee despised the sight of him. Albeit she still had feelings for him, they weren't as strong anymore. His last mistake was the last straw for Seohee. In the two weeks following the fight, she learnt to pay him less attention, while she focused more on Sehun instead. Sehun, on the other hand, was doing his best to attract Seohee's attention both by spending more time with her, and also by giving her small presents. At times he gave her books, at times flowers, collections of poems and whatever he thought Seohee might have appreciated.

 

Seohee would never admit it, but he was succeeding in his intent.

 

Three weeks after the fight, Junmyeon cornered Seohee again, and when he grabbed her hand Seohee harshly pushed him away. Junmyeon than raised his hands in surrender, admitting he had made a mistake, and had wronged her with his behaviour. Receiving no reply, he just told her he wished her the best and asked her to inform him about the day of the marriage, for he wanted to be there for her on such an important day. Before leaving he added: “If you ever change your mind, remember there will always be a place for you in this house and in my heart”. Somehow, it all sounded offensive in Seohee's ears, who just snorted at his words and left the room once again. It sounded a lot like he was offering her a spot as a mistress. He wasn't even asking her to stay or anything like in those romance books she liked so much.

 

Out of spite, as soon as she got home Seohee grabbed the bracelet, the brocade and silk fabric had given her for her birthday from her closet, and she took off the necklace she'd worn for so many years, before she left the house in hurry to go sell them to the highest bidder.. With the money she gained, Seohee bought a new suit for her father, and a new bed for her and Sehun to share. She went to the seamstress and asked her to use those fabrics for her wedding dress and also paid her for half of the work. At least those expensive presents ha turned out to be useful in the end.

 

 

“Seohee, please, clean the room. Aerin, come with us and so ask Juhyun to make sure the fire fireplace in the living room is still alive. Bring a bottle of champagne and apple juice from the kitchens too”. The voice speaking directly to her had Seohee confused, having been lost in her thoughts until she'd heard her name being called.

 

Aerin had already made her way out while the Kims and their guests slipped out of the room. Seohee had despicably been left alone to watch Junmyeon fuss over his wife, helping steadying her, as if she was some poor sickly human being unable to make things on her own. She really wanted to scoff at their antics, but she kept herself in check in order to avoid being publicly reprimanded. After all it wasn't like she had to endure such scenes for much longer.

 

“Seohee, I've been wanting to have a word with you”. Seohee barely managed to control her face, so that she wasn't grimacing too openly at the sound of that voice. Obviously, now that only him and his wife were left in the room, Junmyeon took his time to leave and have a chat. He awkwardly chuckled when he received no reply, and scratching his head he went on with his speech. “You know...about your marriage”. Seohee was already losing her patience, and him mentioning her marriage for the ninth time was not a good way to help her keep her calm.

 

“What about it?”. Her voice sounded cold even in her own ears, but whatever, Junmyeon deserved it, and it was the very best she could do not to spit him in the eye.

 

“Oh, uh...nothing, really. You had told me you would've let me know when it would be celebrated but then...well, you didn't tell me when or where it will be celebrated. I thought that maybe you had forgotten”. His very pathetic speech, pronounced while he was pathetically rubbing his neck, had Seohee rolling her eyes. It was pretty obvious that she hadn't told him on purpose, she didn't know why he didn't take the hint.

 

“It will be soon, I will let you know when. Now, if you do not mind it, I will go clean the table. I am sure the guests are waiting for you in the living room”. It was a not too subtle way to let them know she didn't want to keep the conversation going anymore. Not that she had had any real conversation with Junmyeon ever since he'd gotten married, but still...

 

Junmyeon looked completely appalled by the sudden, formal speech Seohee had addressed him with. It had never happened before, and he wasn't really sure he liked this change in their relationship. He made a mental note to talk about it with her in the evening, because it was high time he cleaned the air with her. He didn't want Seohee to marry someone out of revenge, and if didn't talk to her soon he was afraid he might lose her because of that. Just like Seohee wanted, Junmyeon gently led his wife to the other room holding her by the waste.

 

Slowly, Seohee started cleaning the room. She gathered the leftovers, piled the dirty dishes, and then the cutlery and the glasses and brought them in the kitchens, so that the other maids could wash them. She went back to take the dirty napkins and tablecloth, and brought them to the laundry room, and took a good look around. The room was the same as when she'd first started working here, and in spite of the haste she felt for Junmyeon, she knew she was going to miss the house in which she'd made so many memories. The house where she'd grown up, and it was really like that, because she'd spent way more time here than in her own home. She grabbed the dustpan and the brush from the small closet near the door and went back to the room. It was getting late already, thus she knew she'd better finish the task before anyone noticed how long she'd been there for. She put the chairs back to their original position and gathered all the crumbs from the floor, threw everything in the dustbin, put away the dustpan and the brush only to grab a bucked and a mop. In the short while she took to fill the bucked with water, Seohee realized the sun what going down and it was already time for her to leave. She washed the floor without hurrying, though, taking the time to look at the disposition of the furniture inside the room, at the paintings and the view from out of the window. How many times she'd seen that landscape, never failing to find it beautiful? She was going to miss it too.

 

Having finally finished her task, Seohee went back to the kitchen and grabbed the letter she'd left in the pocked of her coat and headed towards Mr. Kim's studio. She eyes the long corridors and remembered how she felt the first she'd seen them, and how they'd slowly turned into one of the places she felt more at ease. She knew each one of them by heart, however at the moment they looked as beautiful as the first time she'd seen them, as if they were shining under a different light.

 

Mr. Kim studio was not a room Seohee felt comfortable in. She'd only entered this room a bunch of times before, since it'd always been a room appointed to Mr. Kim personal maid, but Seohee took a good look at it before she opened her letter and read it once more, checking she'd written everything she'd wanted to. The letter was really short, for there would be no way Seohee was able to thank the family enough for having given her such a job, allowing her to buy the best medicines for her mother and paying her so much at such a young age. Sure, there had been up and downs, but Seohee still felt really grateful.

 

“ _Dear Mr. Kim,_

_I am writing You this letter to thank You for having given me this job. I am really grateful to Your family, but unfortunately I am afraid I will not be able to work for You anymore from this day onwards. As You might have heard, I am getting married soon, and I will need more time to take care of own house and husband. I will forever be thankful to Your family for having given me a chance when I was just an inexperienced child._

_I send my best wishes to You with all of my heart._

_Yours faithfully,_

_Ahn Seohee”_

 

Seohee sighed, unsatisfied with how impersonal and cold her words sounded, but she'd written again and again, not sure of what to say, and that was definitely the best she's come up with. She put it on his bureau, and finally left the room. There was nothing left for her to do in the manor.

 

The walk to the kitchen seemed both extremely short and long at the same time. The kitchens were still filled with maid who were drying the dishes and washing the dirty ones in spite of how late it was, and it gave Seohee a weird feeling. The kitchen had been one of the rooms she'd spent more time into, and it really felt like she owned it at least a little. Having all that people inside it felt like they were invading her personal space, thus Seohee gave only a short look around before she decided it was time to leave, not wanting to have the last memories of _her_ kitchen filled with people she didn't even know that well. She waved goodbye at the other maids and left, not telling them they weren't going to meet anymore.

 

Closing the kitchen's door behind her back for the last time felt like she was letting go of her past. She was getting married in a day, thus Seohee really had no time to waste dwelling on the “what ifs” anymore.

 

Seohee headed home in peace with herself for the first time in a while and made a promise to herself: She wasn't going to be alone anymore. She was going to be happy.

 


End file.
